Gabrielle

Life

2010-02-17T00:25:00.002+08:00

After reading daphne's blog,

i realised something.

Oh yes she's such an inspiration.

Actually, i don't like science too.

Its not interest,

its just that i do so well.

I never needed to study science in secondary school cause its kinda a natural thing.

So i have always thought that i was made for it,

hence, that means, i had interest in it.

And its not that i'm dumb in maths,

its just that my head is not orientated to think that way.

Just like if you don't need to remember much things,

you eventually won't have a very good memory.

Just like if you don't do something for a very long time,

you will feel awkard and new and queer doing it.

Its a game of familarity.

I'm quite good at getting familiar with things.

I have been deceiving myself for the past few years.

I don't like science. I have no interest in science.

I like writing. I like chinese. I like Japanese.

I like asian cultures.

I used to write and it made me felt like i'm on cloud nine.

And now ?

I feel like i'm in hell.

I don't like science.

Its a great shock to me.

That i have been giving myself the wrong idea all these while.

I misinterpreted everything.

I mixed up love and crush and pain and revenge.

Did i ever loved him at all ? Or was it because i need a substitute ?

Or was it all for revenge ? Or was it just a game ?

I actually misinterpreted so much for so long.

I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

She said that we're all birds in a big, beautiful cage.

And the door's open but we're scared to fly out.

Because the unknown is fearful.

And we're all competing to see who has the prettiest feathers,

and who flies the highest,

not knowing that we can do so much by just flying out of the door.

Its a brand new world out there and we're sitting in this huge pretty cage.

Such fools.

Such fools we are.

I want to be an artist.

I am an artist, i can't live without it.

When was i the happiest ?

When i was in my secondary school days,

Painting, drawing, shading, and writing, expressing, making music, singing.

Getting onto the stage and getting so much attention and applause.

I'm an artist.

Holding the camera and painting my world, my art, in seconds.

I am made of art itself. I am an artist and i have to blind myself from that fact so that i can focus on the more practical side of life.

The so-called real life.

Where survival is of the fittest and the richest speaks the loudest.

Where the most beautiful are artificial and the scheming wins.

Where i lived, for a short period of time, and quit.

Because it was so much of a hassle to live every single day with a mask.

I have stepped out of that world but yet some have lived in it for it was fun for them.

It was all in vain.

The tighter you hold the easier it slips.

The greater the fear of losing the higher the chances of failure.

Because you held too tight,

Because you held too much fear in you.

Don't have any desires,

Don't exercise any of your senses,

Be as if you can't see, can't smell, can't hear, can't taste, can't feel.

And you will live a peaceful life.

That's what my scriptures tell me.

Of course i understand but if one day i really do that i'll become a nun.

But what lies outside of that cage ?

Freedom ?

Life ?

Or enlightenment ?

I think i just go be nun.

Exams

2010-02-09T00:16:00.002+08:00

According to Daphne's nick,

2 weeks and 1 day to exams.

That makes it 15 days.

4 subjects, 15 days.

There's still report to do.

And maths to do also.

Me bless me.

I can never found motivation to study lah please.

Only if i start then i can't stop.

Or i wear something to remind myself that i must study.

Like a ring or something like that.

Sadded.

Start A Fresh.

2010-02-06T15:45:00.002+08:00

I'm going to turn 18 soon.

I realise how much i'm wasting all these years.

How much youth and time i've wasted.

I remained low and unnoticed all the while.

To make things simple.

But I think there should be a change.

18 is going to be a new change for me.

A total new change.

I must shake off the shell of the old me.

That old, reluctant, pitiful, procastinating me.

I don't care whether i'll do good in studies anymore.

I must change myself entirely.

I want to walk proudly, holding my head high and looking down, will be everyone.

I want the old me dead.

I can't waste all my youth in all those jeans and shirts.

I must be pretty everyday.

Confident, vicious, scheming, ambitious me.

What took me so long to realise this simple thing ?

Looking at them all pretty and glammed up why am i the ugly duckling and them the swan ?

I have better qualities than all of them.

I want blue eyes, black hair every single day of my life.

Time for the change.

我要学才艺。
我要变美丽。
我要有自信。
我要把她们都踏在脚下。

站在最高点，俯视那些可怜的她们。

来，梅雨，我们开始吧。

Sexy

2010-01-24T01:02:00.002+08:00

I was given the post of librarian.
In my choir committee.
With another girl.
So we both share the post.

At first i was wondering,
if i'll only get half of the CCA points.
But then later I came to my senses,
that it doesn't matter at all.

I've always been reading this fanfict about this librarian,
and her love story with this random guy from don't know where.
And everything's been so sexy from then.

And now i'm a librarian !
Although its just taking care of the scores.
But it has always been a fantasy of mine.

Haha, to dress up in white shirts, tight pencil skirts and high heels with black framed specs.
Seems nice.

And aisah was elected as president.
And sarah was vice.
Faith and Qi Min took positions of treasurer and secretary.

Hope that the new committee could take us to new heights.
And hopefully we could go overseas to perform or have competitions !
Russia, France, Germany, Spain, Italy, Hungary or even Japan !!!
My dreams of going overseas !

Oh i just realise that the whole committee are girls.
Well there was Kenneth to fill the place once.
But now all girls lol !

The Movie ToothFairy is awesome !
Its really funny.

Does this make my butt look big ?
Yes, it does. Huge it seems. LOLs.

Why do you have to remove my memories ?
Well its what we do after you finish your duties.
Hey do you have Facebook ?
I can poke you !
LOLs its really nice.

Lets not get frisky.

And i have Friskers too.

OMG LOLS EPIC.

Oh yes you don't get it do you ?
GO WATCH.

I can't afford to miss anymore sessions of choir anymore.
I don't think my attendence can make it already.
All thanks to my bloody course.
I feel like a piece of chewing gum.
The stress and pressure all starts to fade after all that strain.

And my mum is scolding me now.
Yes like right now.
Saying that i sleep late every night.
And i bathe late.
And my hair is wet.
I mean, its none of her bloody business.
Just go to sleep lah.

Bloody pain in the ass.
Oh everytime its like this.
Disgusting. Pain in the ass. Pain.

Oh you think that i like doing that ?
If i never needed to study,
If i never needed to do chores,
I would not need all that.
I would not sleep this late.
If i never had to work,
If you could give me more money then what ?
Then i could just chill at home and not do a thing.
Do you think i can live by what you give me ?
That pathetic amount of money ?
So what if i'm older now ? So what ?
Do i not need to chill when i'm older ?
The older i get the more money i need cause the more things i want.
You can't give me all that and i'm working, i'm feuding it on my own and you also wanna poke your nose in ?

JUST FUCKING FUCK OFF.
YOU FUCKING RUINED MY MOOD.

Shut the fuck up won't you ?
Shut up !
Shut up !

Xing Ku ?
Whatever lah you ?

Yes just go to sleep.
Just go and shut the fuck up.
I hate doing chores,
I hate studying,
And i hate all that bloody shit.

I don't sleep so what ?
None of your bloody business right ?

Esplanade

2010-01-19T00:48:00.002+08:00

Just finished the performance.
It was overall well and yulin says that she could actually hear us.
That's something good.

Today that bitch finally issued the LOA.
Still need XX to go deliver the LOA to that bitch to let her sign.
And she still said that we didn't stand still enough.
Sickening, we need to express ourselves through our body too.
One idiot that doesn't know music and is still blabbering.
Shut up bitch.

Today people were sick, like Rebecca and Mat.
Hope they get well soon.
And Ning's voice is beautiful.
The lunch box was fried rice, very oily vegetables, two wing mid-sections and two fake scallops that cheated my feelings.

Today went school at 10am.
Then discussed about the RWP presentation.
God bless me bless me.
The presentation is tomorrow and i haven't practice one bit.
No time.
The schedule is packed too full.

Then left at 11am to get to the clubhouse.
And ate that tortilla thing wrapped by roti prata.

Gross lah not nice. Don't buy from there in the future.

And then took bus to Esplanade.
Then did sound testing.
The dressing room is awesome.
With alot of hot, scorching light bulbs.
And changed and went for tests and tests again.
Then lunch box.
Then fuji apple, that i need to return money to Faith.
Then perform, come up, chill, practice, and perform, photo, and home.
Can't get used to stockings.
And heels, and tight dresses.

What am i going to wear for presentation tomorrow ?
I wonder where i left the shirt.
And i need to pick up my flats from Isabel.
And i bought my seamless underwear from Triumph. damn ex. heart pain.

My brother drove me back.
And made me wait 40 mins.

It was an awesome experience and everybody has a nametag of their own.
Damn cool momento that i'm gonna love.
Wanna do this over and over again.
And tomorrow's there's chem prac.
So early in the morning.
And RWP presentation.
And cell bio, and microbio.
And results for microbio prac.
And submit my LOA.

And when's the math's test ?
Need to arrange for my community service time slots.
And my photo essay ?
Oh today's Kenneth's cam is damn cool lah.
Love the shutter sound.

Beginning to feel a sense of achievement.
Something that i need to feed my soul.
After a long and weary and losing battle with science.
I finally feel that i'm worth something.
And is capable of something.
Something that i put in my efforts and sowed, and reaped.

I love choir.
I love singing.
I love having achieved something.
And i'm getting fatter.
Must be the new year goodies.
I had tons and tons.
Time to cut down on intake.

Hope that i'll get thinner.
For no reason whatsoever.
Still haven't remove my makeup.
Time to sleep, or else tomorrow i have no idea how to wake up.
God bless me, i'm putting myself through a roller coaster ride.
That i might not survive.

Random III

2010-01-16T16:10:00.002+08:00

Watching broke back mountain.
And don't understand a single thing.
Why do they need to put the sheeps on the mountains ?
Just rear them in some grassland and its safer anyway.

And why do they need to grab the sheep's hind legs ?
Where were they getting them to ?
And why don't he just shoot the bear ?
And why don't they just live on the mountains, just next to the sheeps ?
Rather than shuttling to and fro.

And exactly who is liking who in the first place ?
The accent is killing me.
And the person who subbed the chinese is shit.
Its a screwed up subbing.

And going to work in the next one hour.
Thinking about buying the inner wear, and eyeliner, and makeup remover tissues.
And the presentation clothes.

KY's birthday celebration should be going on now.
Happy Birthday KY !
And all the best for your guitar journey.
Having fun over there at bugis ?
I hate seoul garden.

Tomorrow going to celebrate my mum's birthday.
Just a meal in the afternoon.
With my elder bro and his wife and his son.
Going to Fei Cui Kitchen.
Awesome chinese cuisine i heard.
Hope that tomorrow will turn out fine.

And these days i have been jumping at the slightest thing.
Like a door bell, or someone coughing, or just a thud on the ground can make jump.
Like everything is exaggerated, amplified.
Heard that this is a disease, or a disorder.
I have been sensitive to sound but these days its just getting more and more sensitive.
I thought its suppose to get worse as we grow up.
I can hear the sound of TV switched on, but its not the dialogue or sounds produced but i can hear another frequency that the TV produces when its on even when its on mute.
Seems like many electronic devices do that but my camera doesn't.
It stays very quiet until you press the shutter then its a little click sound.

The world to me is a very noisy place.
I kinda like this ability cause i can hear the footsteps of everybody in my house and when they come home i can tell who it is just by the sound of the footsteps.
And i can tell everybody's voice apart, and i can tell my mum her phone is ringing before it even rings.
She always get really awed by this.

Going to have an early early breakfast then set off to work.
Hope today's work is easy and smooth-sailing and pray that i don't break nor spill nor kill anything.

And bless me for the Esplanade performance.
Seems like that bitch is incharge of the band too.
And proves that everybody hates her, i'm not the only one.

And i'm starting to do math already.
Hope that i can pass the retest.

And i'm going to cardiac.
So daph and sure don't be sad.
You'll do well without me.

Random II

2010-01-13T14:20:00.002+08:00

Chilling in the Library.
Nothing to do.
Actually many things to do, but just lazy to attempt them.

Just finished GEMS.
Submitted my assignment.
I think it was ok.
I made my effort.

Next assignment is a photo essay.
15 pictures telling a story.
What should i do ? What theme ? Which story ?

No idea.

Waiting for time to pass.
Slept only 4 hours last night.
Now is week 10, not counting the holidays.
But others tell me its week 13, counting the holidays.
No idea what the irony is about though.

Credit given to my nice pocket watch.
He was in the limelight.
He was the model of my photo assignment.
So was falling in love with pocket watches.
So was browsing through pretty pocket watches online.

So many different designs and sizes.
Vintage things just attracts my attention.

Trash, Vintage and Antique lies on the same line.
Just that the line travels in time, making things get older and older.

Still killing time.
Later got maths session with the teacher.
As usual, sickening.

Then after that got choral rehearsal.
And that bitch still hasn't give me my letter yet.
She's ugly, annoying, old, and has deprived of herself of fashion sense.
Heard that she has a diploma in Voice.
The other time she complain that we stood too still when singing the national anthem.
Its really stupid to me cause ever since i'm little i'm taught to stand as still as i could.
Shall we rock to the rhythm or something ?
Annoying lame idiot that doesn't have a brain.
Or has the myelin sheath been burnt out to fuel her bitchiness ?
Whatever. That kinda people has their own happy endings.

Very tired. Feel like sleeping.
And the good sayyun wants to revise maths.
And the bad sayyun just knocked her out.
Good.

Hope that things will turn out better.
And my memory has been getting worse.
I can't even remember the slightest thing after i reminded myself to remember it.
Short Term Memory. Damn short sia.

Friday should i do buy wallet with Bro ?
Or go choir practice ?
Or choir go halfway then go buy wallet ?
Like that maybe can.

And this sunday afternoon have family gathering.
And this saturday have KY's birthday party.
Sorry KY i can't make it.
I feel really busy.

And tomorrow pass the presents to nisa.
So that she can pass to the birthday girl and boy.
Good plan.
I hate soul garden.
I hate Bugis.
Go till so sian already.

And then monday is the performance.
At Esplanade.
First time performing there.
Feels quite honoured.
Like in the future i can tell my daughter,
Oh Mummy have sang there before.
Isn't that great ?

And it clashes with my Microbio prac.
Looks like they wanna do it again.
Cause the results are not what the theory states.
But just to confirm cause the results are not that much in difference.
And i screwed up by putting the 70% in the 95% and vice versa.
Next week will be without me.
Don't feel lonely Daph.

So what should i do ?
Skip choir and do my prac ? And then go there on my own ?
That was my plan you see.
And i need an LOA.
I filled it out and handed up.
And got rejected because of that bitch's letter is still not in my hands yet.
She is inefficient indeed.
Can she just stop making things difficult for other people's lives ?
Sickening bitch.

Off to meet Daph now.
At the Lib's entrance.
To go to the math's session.
Sickening.

Realisation

2010-01-12T11:23:00.002+08:00

12th day of the year and i'm thinking of suicide.
Isn't that just awesome ?
What a wonderful way to start a new, fresh, year.

Going to meet Daph later at the concourse where she's doing JAE work.
Then going to look at the results of the experiment yesterday.
Then planning to go back to the market to buy flowers or find some sand.
Haven't even done my photography assignment because i got a D the other time.
I get discouraged whenever i can't do well in something, then i kinda give up.
So rushing to get that done.

I want to stop the diarrhoea.
I want to learn Japanese.
I want to take the JLPT exams.
I want a new handphone that can play music.
I want to get a new wallet.
I want to get clothes for presentation.
I want to get clothes for Esplanade performance.
I want to stop myself emoing everyday.
I want to stop myself from procastinating.
I want to finish my PBL, my cardiac output.
I want to finish my RWP E.Coli report.
I want to arrange for practices for the RWP E.Coli presentation.
I want to love myself more.
I wish that i could love myself more.
I wish that i could appreciate myself more.
I wish that you could take me on a boat, on the lake, under a starry starry sky.
I wish that you could hold my hand, and hold me in your arms, and whisper softly in my ear.
i wish that all my wishes will come true.

Misery

2010-01-12T10:50:00.002+08:00

Its all so painful.
Every breath i take.
Every step i take.
Every sound i make.
Every goal i reached.
Every dream i dreamt.
Ever wanting to achieve something, wanting to acquire something.

Math is really a pain in the ass.
Woke up this morning trying to copy the answers before getting ,myself to school.
Then watched some dramas, and forced myself to copy the answers.
And then dragged my body to school.

Painful, Painful process.
Then she wants me to come tomorrow, at 3pm.
I was terribly late for today.
I didn't care, that didn't hurt at all.
I hate school.
I thought it would be at the very least fulfilling while its stressful.
But i'm very wrong.

I want to end this math shit all and all.
Why am i tortured again and again by this stupid subject.
Yeah i failed, so ? I didn't want to attempt it in the first place at all.
I don't like the subject.
I don't like maths.
Its just plain sickening.
Why am i wasting so much time on this shit that i hate so much ?
Because i have to ?
Because i at least need to pass ?

I don't like the teacher too.
She's not like my tutor nor like Mr Shaheful, nor like Miss Wong.
She acts like some kind of mother trying to get me to work maths out.
Like as if i understand, like as if i want to study.
I'm burning out again, back from the holidays and yet i'm dying out again.
Is this going to happen everytime ?

Why is this happening again ?
If i practice day and night, i'll get the grades i want ?
If i work very very hard i'll get good grades and then i'll be happy ?
If i work myself to death, and then get the fucking best grade the whole fucking class has,
I'll not be happy too.

Why should i make a living hell out of my life like this ?
Why am i submitting myself to this kind of pain ?
Why am i doing this to myself ?
This is no different from cutting myself.
Nor throwing my body off T11A.

Making me live everyday without a soul,
Having my soul torn into pieces at the end of the day,
And thrown into a corner,
Reprimanded that i don't work hard enough.

So what can i do now to get out ?
Study ? Just do that ?
I'll just get more and more tired and more and more dead.
I already feel like a zombie.
But come to think of it, what else can i do ?
So i just study and study blindly, just blindly down the alley ?

So today when i go home i'll blindfold my eyes, and take out maths, and practice ?
Shutting off all my senses and work maths out like a living dead ?
I do maths, but nothing just gets to my head at the end of the day.
I'm just machine doing maths one minute and then the next when i turn back to human i forget every single thing that i have done.

So what can i do ?
What can i do to make myself feel better ?
Its not that i fail the test that makes me feel like i'm dead,
Its the thought that i have to study again for the maths retest that makes me wanna puke.

I don't care about it.
Its just my pride and ego that doesn't let me give up.
I want to give it all up, i have gave maths up the moment i finished my O levels.
Telling myself, swearing to myself that i'll never ever touch maths again in the whole of my life.
But then now what ? All over again ?
All over with all that you have a mental disorder and you need a counsellor shit ?
You think it'll all help ?

Why do i have to go through this ?
Why am i not a kid born in somewhere in the world that doesn't need to study ?
So what if i know dy over dx ? d over dx ? Differentiation. intergration, newton's method, partial differention, rates of change, implicit differention with respect to x ? What for ?
I don't even know what i'm learning.
What its all for at the end of the day ?
Will i use it in the future ? No, not even if i become some research scientist or something like that and i don't like research work.

I hate all that shit.
I will not like maths for the rest of my life.
They know nothing about the living hell i'm going through.
They don't know what's going on also.
They don't care.
They don't bother to care at all.

So why should i care ?
Oh, 'because its your future and if you don't work hard the person to suffer at the end of the day is you ?'

All that fucking shit is not going to work on me.
If you had to go through what i had to go through you would not have lived till today.

I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.
I HATE MATHS.

Random

2010-01-12T01:54:00.003+08:00

Its been 3 years, how have you been ?

Been watching a drama recently and the male lead said that
no matter how much you have forgotten about one you loved,
having you forgot his name,
having you forgot his face,
having you forgot his voice,
having you forgot what both of you had talked about,
having you forgot what fun both of you had before,
one day on the street when you bump into him,
you will have a sudden spur of happiness in your heart.
A blissful feeling.

You remember the feeling of loving that person.

Because your brain remembers all the emotions that he once made you felt.

The memories of loving someone,
the memories of having been loved by someone
are the purest emotions buried in the deepest part of the brain.

Even all the visuals, audios, are all forgotten,
the feelings and emotions are forever locked in the limbic cortex,
where they will never be forgotten.

He will be there, in your deepest memories, eternally.

This part made me cry,
thinking that you'll be with me forever in my head until the day i die.

I do not need to be reminded by my limbic cortex that i loved you,
nor how you made me feel like i'm the most blissful person ever,
nor how you called every night, not uttering a single word, just to listen to my voice,
nor how you lay your hand gently on my back to encourage me to go on where i was breaking,
nor how you made my laugh with your lame jokes, telling me that i looked best when i smile,
nor the way you laughed, smiled, talked, blinked, breathed,
nor the way you played your sports,
nor the way you breakdown when you can't take the stress,
nor the way your name is spelt, or written
nor the way your voice sounded,
nor the way you gave me so much love.

I don't think i'll ever be able to forget all that, ever.
But will you remember me ?
Will you still remember my name ?
Will you still remember how its spelt ?
Will you still remember my face ?
Will you still remember my voice ?
Will you still remember all the times we spent together ?
Will you still remember how you guided me and taught me ?
Will you still remember how much i love you ?

If one day, if you forget all that,
If one day, if you and i happen to brush shoulders on the streets someday,
If something like that were to happen,
Will you have a sudden spur of bliss ?
Will you light up and smile ? Thinking that why this stranger could bring me such joy and happiness ?

Or would we just miss out on eachother, and continue to walk our own paths ?
Thinking that its just another stranger, another everyday stranger to chance upon ?

I don't feel an ounce of bliss when i'm with you,
Because i have not forgotten,
Not a single bit,
How painful it all was,
How much pain i went through to let it go,
How pitiful i was.

My chest just throbs in pain and agony everytime i see you.
Does yours do ?

The Wedding I

2009-12-28T02:06:00.002+08:00

Ok, 26th December was the wedding and yes it took the whole day and i was so exhausted and worn out i slept for 11 hours straight.

First, i woke up at 7am in the morning to bathe, and then prepare the food and decoration, last minute touch-ups for the morning tea ceremony. I was told first to cut the cake, which we bought from the market, which again is an idiotic process, cause there were 3 boxes, then i cut the first 2 with the box taken out, which turned out to be a mess, then for the 3rd box i cut the cake with the box still intact then she came running along and saying: Why are you cutting the cake with the box ? No wonder your cakes are cut so ugly. Then i just turned back and said, i cut the first 2 without the box and as you can see it sucks like hell so i'm trying to change a way. Then she shut up. Sickening. The cakes were frozen so she tells me to just leave them there to thaw then cut, which would make my life easier. So i lay my knife down, then she said, i think you cut now lah, later no time. WTF, can you make up your mind then tell me ? Then i stare at her before cutting the cake, then she DU LAN me, ok lah ok lah.

Then, wash and lay out the fruits. There are purple and green grapes from Turkey, Strawberries from Korea and Cherry Tomatoes from Malaysia. So ok, i washed them, and then put into the huge platter in accordance to colour spectrum, so it started with the purple grapes, then the green ones, then the tomatoes, then the strawberries, in order of colour intensities. Then she came along and grabbed one strawberry and put it in the middle of the green and purple grapes, straight in the border of the two. Then i got really pissed cause the colour is all wrong, and i, being very very sensitive to colours, and very very merticulous with what i do, and HATE IT when people interfere with my profession (then, my profession is a fruit platterer). So i went like MA~ then she just left the lonely berry on the border and left with AIYA ANHYTHING LAH ANYTHING LAH YOU DECIDE LAH. like duh i decide lah, I AM the platterer. if you don't like my style of plattering, you do yourself. Since little i have hated people when they interfere with my work, like how my mum used to draw on my drawing assignments to make them better, i would just scream and deny her help because its MY work, even if i fail or get zero its MY creation, MY creation. its the life that i gave to the paper, not yours.

Then after that she managed to scavage a pack of leftover candies from the newlyweds room, should be the leftovers of the doorgifts, so she told me to divde them equally and put them into two bowls, which we borrowed from the neighbor. they were pretty crystal bowls and i divded them as equally as i could and shuffled them around to acquire homogenuity (oh i love my english) and lay them out on the table.

Then here comes my father's-brother's-wife, coming along, being the first to arrive. She brags ALOT about things that are not true and do not exist, about her daughter in SwissCottage having a scholarship, being second best in singapore, like crap that would happen. Just ignore her, and then asking about my course, i said Biomedical, she keep on saying Biotechnical, sickening asshole that doesn't know or appreciate science nor having acquired the ability to differentiate 'medical' from 'technical'. And she isn't anybody great or anything ok, she works in Banquet, as what i don't know and don't care. And she goes like : Oh i have a doctor and lawyer cousin but still don't have a cousin in the biomedical field like you, hope you'll be the first. Like what the hell was she trying to say ? And if i remember correctly last year at chinese new year she was telling me about love, like WTH does she know about love ? She married my uncle like, really randomly ? and i don't see love between them like really, all i see is tolerating and avoidance.

So i left her to feud for herself and i went to change to this really old looking dress that, yes i bought and don't like it anymore. sorry dress i'm not that sweet and gentle type. then i added a cardigan cause i wasn't confident of my flabby arms.

Then everybody came along and the bride came, which my mum told me not to look at her when she comes cause...its a tradition. Oh ok i'm ok with traditions. Then all the attention went to the bride and the tea ceremony began, with me, holding this lacy-pink-girly-sissy-looking petite bag to hold the ang baos. it took really long and then at last we found ourselves waiting for the last person to serve tea to, my eldest brother. So the photographer can't wait anymore cause she is charged on an hourly basis, being $50/hr, good money eh ? Then i called and called and called but nobody picked up until all of us given up and just waited quietly until he and her wife and his son arrived, so everybody back to positions and snap, ok, go have buffet.

The buffet was manned by 2 staff, one older and one younger, seems like the older one is guiding the younger one about all the stuff, like really basic steps like o-p-e-n--t-h-e--c-a-n--a-n-d--p-u-t--u-n-d-e-r--t-h-e--f-o-o-d. its the silver can with the white wax that catches fire and burns to warm the food. so they were taking quite a long time and i'm suppose to sign the receipt and go find cash, and when i'm both with both the tasks, they are still happily taking pictures of their masterpiece, later i asked it was for company feedback and quality & service control. oic, i thought they were so proud of their work. hehe. then they continued covering the food and stuff then i hand them the money and i was done, so i ate the bee hoon with the curry chicken oh man it was good! while chatting with my pri 5 cousin. oh she piano grade 5 already !!! jia you rachel ! and in choir too! wow we have alot to chat, she's in alto :)

so after i changed into my gown for the dinner i went out with rachel and her mum to the salon, which kinda hard to find.

TopOne

2009-12-15T00:42:00.002+08:00

Ok, that's the name of a karaoke, and also the name of a brand of bread, where you can find on your friendly supermart rack. but Gardenia tastes better.

Ok, got up at 8.30am, was excruciatingly hard to pull myself out of bed, as i love it too much to part. then applied glue on my eyelashes which i will try to put on later. and then went to brush my teeth and wash my face, put on the makeup, and realise that i look really bad with faux eyelashes, hence just had mascara.

so went out of the house with cam, score book, and all necessary things. i was going to choir practice tonight so hence the scorebook.

So got there and no one had reached, i was the earliest, as usual ~

So i went to Four leaves and bought some bread, while keeping in touch with KY, or he'll be left all alone waiting at the gantry, where we're supposed to meet. So the mini breads are SO cute, and i bought a potato sausage bread, which is VERY delicious and VERY filling, oh lord it is very very filling. it has a layer of mashed potatoes with a layer of meat underneath and this combination is wrapped in the soft bread dough. oishi. i was full the moment i had down my throat and trust me it is no bigger than your friendly pencil sharpener.

and then i bought a strawberry, custard decorated bread, which later found out that nothing was inside but the strawberry was very fresh and juicy. Perks up my sleeping tongue. then foolish little KY bought a hotdog minibread, which has no originality to my two new precious findings.

then called AL several times to confirm her location and her knowledge of where Mc is located. and later she came and bought Mc for breakfast as well as KY. then we proceeded to the K.

They haven't open yet, so we had to wait outside for a little while.

After getting our room 206, we went to SING. Oh i had a great time singing and drinking laughing and sleeping. then i had to leave for choir.

Told Isa that i would meet her at 6pm at the toastbox, then later changed to Pastamania, since the serving is decent there and she eats quite alot. i considered Soup Spoon but it isn't filling enough her i guess. then waited and waited till KY and AL came down to say hi and they're leaving for Yoshinoya.

Then Isa came and we ate. she had some Bah Chor Linguini while i had the weirdest thing on earth. it was like dumplings, something like ravioli but its not called that way. then the filling was spinach and something really really starchy, like grains or something. the whole dish was tasteless so i had to put alot of cheese powder to eat it.

So we reached and J was not there, we were cheated, he wasn't even suppose to be there. its our own sectional-like kinda thing when we're not even told. hai,but if we were told we wouldn't even go.

so had to plan for Isa's concert and SH's Ngee Ann band concert and tomorrow going to watch movie with daph and rini !!!

Her Birthday

2009-12-15T00:27:00.002+08:00

Ok, yesterday was my second-future-sis-in-law's birthday.

We went to the supermart to buy curtains for the newly-about-to-wed and then we settled for something grey with buttons ontop to secure the curtain to the metal stick-like-protruding-support-thingy.

Then we went to buy nutella! oh they are having a promotion, the smallesr sized one, which is selling at $3 something, is selling at $1.95, its cheaper to buy small bottles than one huge one. So, we bought 6, or was it 5, bottles of nutella and it was 30% cheaper when buying the small bottles to one huge bottle. then we bought mangka, a type of tropical fruit, at $5. and then some fresh, from the container iced broccoli.

Then, to celebrate her birthday, we went to eat swensens!!! I had Chicken fillet, they had a nicer name for it, starts with M, and i forgot what it was. its super juicy, and i find it a little too oily and greasy that i could not really finish with ease. I was so full i didn't want to eat for the next few days. then my bro's wife to be had crayfish spaghetti, while my bro and mum had some singapore styled spicy spaghettis.

then sis-in-law-to-be wanted some ice cream, she ordered cookies and cream while i had super chewy chocolate ice cream ! both with strong, rich flavours, they blended well. the total bill was $80 something dollars, oh yeah we ordered some calamari too. but i grabbed the romanine leaves as soon as the dishes came. haha i had to get rid of the grease.

then went home packed the room and fell asleep suddenly, slept for 3 hours. i really need to diet to balance the guilt of eating so much these days.

Shopping

2009-12-12T20:46:00.002+08:00

Today is such a fruitful day!

Started with 送大礼, a ceremony, bringing pig trotters, plates with dates and dried fruits, and many other weird stuff to the bride's house and then bringing back 6 boxes of cakes and alot of towels and i got ang pao. hahaha! oh yes, 龙凤烛, two candles to symbolise the couple, where the bride's mum will keep the dragon and release the phoenix, so called 'xiu leng pang hong', symbolising that the daughter is someone else's business already, no need to bother and they got a new son haha!!!

then got home and prepared to go out again to shop with aunt and mum and mum's friend. they want to go cck lot one, ayia i tell you lah, aunties, in their heads, only have OG, BHG and cck lot one and chinatown. its like there is no where else to shop in the world.

ok so anyway, we got there and ate Wan Zai, i had Pork Fillet Cheese Broiled Casserole, which is damn big a serving and is VERY filling. and then the others got fried rice and some almond paste. then we went to buy clothes and shop.

So i got a dress from Cocoon, a tube dress costing me $158, which is serious serious heart pain. and a top from G3, something like a corset with cashmere laid underneath, costing me $49.90, which again is heart pain. and then bought jeans from bossini, which are damn cheap, two at $52 ! so everyone go buy jeans from bossini now !!! its really cheap and the material and cutting is awesome. i tried the one at Sense, (i was looking for skinnies) and its nice but really really tight and is at $69.90, and then i tried the Levis, which is at $159.90, which had ordinary so-so cutting. can you imagine Levis had only so-so cutting ? ok then i gave up and we went to have tea.

So back to Wan Zai again, which i duno why they like it so much, i had Ginko Barley white beanstick soup, which is a hot dessert, and is quite nice, just a little too overcooked. and the others had white almond paste, black sesame paste, gui ling gao which is some jelly.

then we went back to finding my jeans then i was so tired (i woke at 8am to get ready for the ceremony, i slept at 1 last night uploading pics to fb) and then i just wanted to go home. then while we were making our way out of the mall, i saw bossini having promotion so i got attracted.

then after this phillipino-very-enthu salesgirl guided me to buying straight cuts. cause the skinnies has only light blue ones, which i really hate that light blue colour, i prefer dark ones. so i tried it on and its cutting is something like a skinnie, which sounds really weird but it worked out great. so i bought one and my mum bought one too.

then back home now, trying on the tube dress, the top, the jeans. oh they look fabulous!

now what i need is a necklace, a pair of nice earrings, a clutch, some eyebrow trimming, some blackhead removal and pore minimizing, some whitening to the sunburns and heat rashes i got yesterday, seamless panties, eyeliner, somewhere to do mani and pedicure, somewhere to do my hair and makeup. that sound like alot of work.

oh ok nevermind. how i wish everyday is like this, shopping and eating and shopping!

Study

2009-12-06T11:02:00.002+08:00

Ok, my mum is being such an idiot again.

Last night i told her that i will not make it to medical school anymore because of my extremely bad Sem 1 results.

I got 2.13, hence even if i get 4 for the rest of the Sems, which is not likely to come true, i would only get a maximum of 3.6 at the end of poly, which is only applicable for science courses.

Then she goes on blabbering about she never seen me study before at home and i never work hard and all that crap. i study in the wee hours of the night therefore she can't see me studying and with all that studies and CCA and other events to juggle i try to make time for family where i won't do any studying and accompany her for some time.

And then now she is accusing me of not studying.

I studied ok ? i really did and the syllabus is REALLY hard in Stage A ! There are far more chapters and there is AP Chem , which i am really bad at, and then the maths teacher teaches like shit and the BI is hard to me while the A&P is really huge mem work that i have not tried before. So what the hell is wrong ? i think looking at i am quite relieved that i actually managed to live through all that hell.

And then she AlWAYS i really mean ALWAYS, all the way from the day i was born she had been doing this : when the results come out bad she scolds me, and then when the results come out good, she will say 'i never see u study u still can get this kinda grade, its just that u're lucky'. So no matter what i do, its just luck or anything. And then she didn't discipline or remind me or encourage me to study, meaning she did not participate in any sections of my life that has anything that has got to do with studying, and now she say that i don't do well.

You, know, its like the Chem teacher teaches you chem and u fail chem and then the maths teacher comes along scolding u that u didn't study at all and u're lazy. Like what hell is that going to do with the maths teacher ?

I will never forget that i had a buddy in pri sch, called Xin Yi, she's a sweet little innocent quiet girl that is gentle and smart. Her mum give her plenty of assignments and encourages her to study and she did better than me in pri sch. And then we go home together and do all the things little girls did together. Then my mum would always scold me whenever the results come out, saying that she got better grades than me, she is prettier than me, she is more gentle than me, she is so sweet and petite and loving while she can just irk at the sight of me. YES she said that ok, i'll never forget one night she said "ni zhen de hen tao yan!" while i was crying and all.

Then the years go by and she doesn't really help me in my homework and then i struggled by myself and one day we went through PSLE. And u know what ?

I got better grades than her.

She did badly and when to ShuQun Sec while i went HuaYi, and i believe u have heard of the notorious ShuQun. I was overjoyed, not because i get to go to HY, which i didn't want to go at all, i wanted some other sch, which i forgot what, but it is the fact that i triumph. I went home, telling my mum the fact that i got better grades than Xin Yi, guess what ?

'So what if you get better than her ? You must compare yourself to people better than you like blah blah blah (some better ppl lah huh, like Xin Yi's brother, who went RiverValley). You compare yourself to ppl that are worse than you so what ? like this you'll never improve you know.'

That was what she gave me. DAMN FUCKED UP RIGHT ?

Then i emphsized that i got BETTER GRADES THAN XINYI and then she just keep quiet, or repeat her speech above. She has NEVER gave me a word of encouragement this whole life i think she won't too. I thought she would improve with the help of religion but then, its all the same.

So she was saying that its all because i don't work hard so i can't go to medical school, (and anyways, its just a dream for me, i didn't see it coming true and even if it comes true she can't afford to let me study for a whole damn bloody 6 years with $4000 every Sem, which boils down to $48000 at the end of the whole thing.she doesn't have the money.) and then i told her that it was IMPOSSIBLE to improve 3.6, because its the MAXIMUM that i can go. Its fixed, if anybody who is reading this can know how to pull it up further please tell me. then she continued saying that if i work hard then i can do it, if i work harder than i can do it. She doesn't know a single thing and who is she to criticise me ? She didn't even finish her primary school and she wants me to do this and do that and to accomplish this and to accomplish that ?

And then yesterday she came running and said
She : i want you to decorate the living room for the wedding, so i leave this whole thing to you. I : i can't
She: why cannot ?
I : I don't know how to.
She : Why you don't know how to ?
I : You didn't nuture me with areas in art and interior design.
She : Why this kinda thing need to nuture one ? not born one meh ?
I : You didn't send me to design classes nor did you born me a genius in art, So what you are doing now is sitting a kid who doesn't know the piano in front of one and telling him to play whilst he never learnt, and then reprimanding him that he doesn't know the piano.

And anyway, Mademosielle, you didn't give birth to a genius, nor made the effort to nuture one so DO NOT ASSUME that i came to this world knowing everything on earth and stop treating your daughter as if she's some all rounder genius. AND THEN reprimanding her for not knowing this things. If you do not sow, you do not reap. You did not bring me up like other rich kids do with all that piano, ballet, swimming, golf, etiquette, polo, horse-riding courses and now you expect me to know all that ? I would love to learn music as i'm really sick of the conductor telling me that i don't know music and its sickening. I would love to learn ballet because i will be more graceful, with less slouching, and become more flexible. And i would love to learn all that but did you give me an oppotunity ? NO.

And anyway the living room is way too awful to decorate. I would want to throw all the furniture away and get new ones and then remove the tile and get paraque flooring and then repaint the walls. Do you, Mademosielle, want to do that ?

And yesterday that sickening father of mine barged into my conversion with my future sister in law, saying that at night i on the light at the living room and the light reflects off the tile and goes into his room through the space at the bottom of the door and disturb his sleep.

Another lunatic after my mum. I am leading such a hard life. I should applaude myself for living till now.

And then he say he is going to buy a lamp for me and i say i don't want, because the living room is cluttered enough for this kinda things and its not neccesary. Its not that i am feeling bad for the fact that he had to fork out money but all this is just to create a fiasco to attract attention for him and not the fact that he cared for me or anything. And its his money, not mine, so why should i feel sad ? He has emptied all his CPF to buy stocks so if anything happens to him, I don't give a damn. *smiles*

And then he blabbers on, using vulgar on my mum's name, and then scolding me that i'm just like my mum, like to on lights at night (don't u only lights at night when its dark?). And then when HE CARES FOR ME (which is like fucking shit u're just trying to get attention while i'm just a little part in your play) i give him that kinda attitude (which i am not giving, i just give a flat face) and don't appreciate his actions. FUCK OFF U ASSHOLE, I AM NOT A FUCKING CHESS PIECE ON YOUR BOARD.

Then he walks away while i turn to my future sister in law, saying that of course i'm like my mum like duh she gave birth to me. Then he "HUH ? WHAT U SAY ?" then i "OF COURSE I'M LIKE HER LAH SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME LEH, OR ELSE LIKE WHO ? LIKE U MEH ?"

kannina. then this morning i see the table lamp on the side table. i work on the coffeetable and u expect me to bend the lamp all the way to the coffeetable or shift it there ? Tons of wires you know ?

So now, whosoever is reading this, do you think that i lead a human-like life ? i think i'm living on the edge where everyday is like war. And the best thing that could happen to me ?

Is that he dies.

Crush!

2009-10-20T19:23:00.003+08:00

OH MY GOD.

today's the third time ok?! THIRD.

first time was where he was wearing a white shirt and pants and we shared the same lift, which is last night after choir practice.

second time was this morning, where he wore a red and white checked shirt, brown cargo pants and a light brown bag at the bus stop.

third time was JUST NOW, he was wearing exactly the same thing this morning and steppped into my lift, and said THANK YOU in such a sexy voice. *aaahhh!!* thank you is for the fact that i held the lift open for him of course.

so i followed him out to the lift lobby of his floor and now i know EXACTLY where he lives.

i feel like a stalker, but nevermind.

u think i'll meet him tomorrow morning at the bus stop again ?

i was really shocked just now, like how could it be such a coincidence ? its impossible ! i was so taken aback that i called nni to tell her it, oh my god its so shocking !!!

ah bless me...bless me...

Hotpot

2009-09-04T23:54:00.002+08:00

Today, went Bugis to have hot pot with AL, K, YW, A.

Reached early as i came after the servicing. The servicing was a smooth one and the customer relations officer was very nice and very friendly and she's pretty too. Her name is Grace. And the security uncle is nice too, directing me to the office block.

And that necklace that i bought yesterday, it broke off into the chain and the pendant. When i got onto the bus it was still in one piece but then after i got off the bus it broke off and i was so frantically thinking of a way to get it back, i found it inside the bag. Coincidence.

Yuuko once said that conincidences are never so. They are meant to happen, and has a purpose to occur. Hmm. I wonder why did it broke.

Then after the servicing i took a bus to the bukit merah interchange and i swear its the smallest interchange i've ever seen. its tiny. and i ask the uncle for a bus to go to tiong bahru, the nearest mrt station and he helped me too. how nice. and searching for the directed 851 bus, i found it leaving and i ran towards it and the bus uncle stopped and waited for me too. another nice bus driver. and not to forget to mention the bus uncle of 176 that helped me get to henderson's in the first place. thank u bus drivers ! u save the lives of street idiots like me !

then messaging Al her location while i was on the bus and frankly, i have no idea where to stop. i've never seen tiong bahru mrt outside of the platform but after messaging messaging i looked up and saw that triangular sign say : Tiong Bahru MRT Station, with the cute little train logo (i only regconize logos). So fled down the bus and got to the mrt station. Lucky trip, didn't went over head. and then found out that the place was fun and took my poor necklace to jewellers and accesorie shops to ask if they could fix it but none could but they were nice and warm. then took train to Bugis. 4 or 5 stops i think. 10mins estimation time.

Got off there and decided not to park myself there and stone at the station so went to sit nicely at starbucks with coffee and chill. it was a real hot day. i wanted mocha latte and as usual, they don't have it and i just say, just give me a latte. So she gave me the cafe latte, which i don't really like. so sat down and chill and their napkins are really pretty so stole some. then Al message me that she just got onto the train. lol so damn slow.

then i waited and waited and waited just then i received her call asking me where starbucks is. i thought she knew or something. so funny. then telling her that its opposite mc, i waited again. then she reached and we left for the hotpot shop. oh before that went shopping and saw a shop that i love, its full of beautiful bags made of exquisite leather that made my eyes gleam. and a dress that i tried on, a gray knee-length tea dress. was uncomfortable. it felt like as if i'm wearing a sack.

it was just beside the topone ktv so get to listen while eating hotpot. we had bbq and hotpot at the same time. $21.40 per person, and the food wasn't that much of variety so aimed at the fish and fish cake stuffed foods only, and the lotus root, the winter melon. The pork had a funny frozen smell and the chicken had a frozen taste too and is fatty, not muscular. and the fish i aimed at had a mud taste but then had to live with it. then had ice cream, strawberry.

then went home. talked to Al about surgery grossery and holiday jobs. and the holiday.

Teacher

2009-09-03T21:47:00.000+08:00

Today, went with Nisa, KY, ChuChu, Fadli to Hua Yi to see the teachers. Saw many of them and exchanged some ideas with Miss Leyana and Miss Pang regarding the biomedical route. But didn't see Chen Xiao Jun. Sad.

After that went with them to JP to watch movie but then the time passed so we ate and went shopping. After Nisa bought her AYAM we went walking walking and then ended up going to Safra to play pool. Nisa and her friend went back first.

We had a great time playing pool and my incredibly good luck wasn't able to feud off Fadli's extreme bad luck and we lost when we were against KY and ChuChu. And Chu Chu gave me money to hand to Jason and i'm passing them to him tomorrow for the hot pot trip.

Quote of the Day: The quantity is there but the quality is not.

Nice quote eh? from the mouth of Nisa, potraying her dismay towards the slack in quality of the cuteness of her class guys. There are enough guys but then they are not cute enough.

Tomorrow going to hotpot trip in the afternoon with AL, YW, K, A and Jason. Like i bloody want to go. F.

Its the holidays and planning for trips overseas yay ~

Almost

2009-09-01T00:08:00.002+08:00

I'm almost there, one more to go and i'm free.
Feel like giving up.

Going to see you tomorrow
What will i feel ?

Perhaps nervousness, perhaps awkwardness
Or nothing at all.

Just realised that i have to depend on myself for more and more things
And become less and less nonchalant to the world.

Do i really have to wake up and face the world ?
Have i always been escaping this fact ?
I have always been escaping and lazing around.
Which is my hobby i think.

Time to wake up. But i'm so tired. I'm not ready.

What should i wear tomorrow ?
Planning for the trip ?
Pokky Pokky Love !

Hungry

2009-08-18T17:43:00.000+08:00

Yup its round the corner ppl.

Brace yourselves for the month from 20th Aug to 20th Sep. This year no double Lunar July so only one month.

Take good care of yourselves as the weather will be getting quite hot and drink loads of water ok ?

Hope there's good stories this year for my archive. haha.

Busy

2009-08-17T10:18:00.000+08:00

So many things to do
So little time.

CRAMMING TIME !!!

Bless everybody, wish you great results.

MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG MUG.

Its just a month, TAHAN there !!!

After that, is 6 weeks of rest.

What a great motivation.

Autumn

2009-08-17T10:10:00.000+08:00

I'm going on hiatus
Or hibernation.

Going to freeze Sayyun for the time being
And i'll take over
But i promise i'll give her back this body.
Once this is over.

So when the leaves turn into sheets of amber i'll let her wake from her deep sleep.
And we'll appreciate the leaves together.

Before that, i'll be calling the shots.
See you in September.

Accomodation

2009-08-16T23:14:00.000+08:00

You may have found me distancing
And that's exactly what I plan to do.

I'm not quiet, just in a silent protest.

I refuse to let myself near you
In case your ingrateness diffuses into my veins
And make me an ingrate like you too.

You have given me that attitude of yours several times
Through different circumstances
And I'm so sick of it.

Whether you are here or not doesn't matter anymore
Because your tandrum has seriously pissed me off
Get the hell out of my life or I'll do it for you.

You should get a change of attitude
Or change that new mask of yours
It doesn't suit you,
Or so as to say,
You are not up to the job.

Absence

2009-08-16T23:09:00.000+08:00

You made way for your own things
and pushed us away

I'm not happy with that
I'm disappointed
I'm saddened
I'm finding it such a pity

Wondering why you made such a choice
But come to think of it
You do have a choice
Nobody could put words into your mouth
Nobody can take control of what you want to do

Neither do i have a say
I can't make you come back to us
I can't be your mouth that apologize to us
I can't be your feet that runs back to us

So i have decided
To push you away too

Incense

2009-07-16T22:13:00.002+08:00

Ok, this thing to me is bloody bloody serious and catastrophic.

u may think that i'm just stupid, or too superstitious but to me, this is concerning my safety.

My mum just turned christian a few months ago and my dad, who has no religion and likes to refute and oppose my mum, started to burn incense, in random numbers (the number of incense matters alot) and then going all around the house bowing and praying to the air. he purposely does this to spike my mum to make her angry, and yes i know this is childish and foolish, i think its just men's PMS. and then he just puts the burning incense in a small little flower pot at the corridor and left it to feud for itself.

it has been going on for a long long time and i have noticed that i'm starting to feel the effects. my health has been going down hill and i feel sleepy just everywhere, i have not much appetite and feel lethargic all day. my mum has been suffering too, her insomnia has been getting worse.

i just feel like i'm living with more and more people as time goes by. i know that they are there but just pretend not to know cause that would definitely get me into trouble, which i am in some now already.

what he is doing, is not praying, nor worship, but he is praying to nothing. like if u really pray to something or someone like a god or goddess or a deity then its ok.

but if u're praying to nothing, like my dad, the spirits will be attracted because they survive on the incense too, so my dad is practically feeding them three meals a day, which definitely won't leave my house like stray cats looking for lodging. so what should i do ? i can't talk him round, cause i don't really bother cause i'm not talking to him anymore. if anything happens to me or my mum or my brother, that coward better answer to it.

he actually does something so stupid to spike us and put us in such danger for that sake, he does not feel anything cause he is just so bitching dense but i'm feeling every single thing and its affecting my bloody life. i can't even breathe now.

why do i have such a father ? we can't choose our fathers, if i have a choice, i'd rather not have one.

Nobody

2009-07-14T22:38:00.003+08:00

Oh i just love this song !!! but korean lyrics are much harder to master than japanese ones but will try to listen more and remember ;) and really wanna learn the dance !!!

NOBODY

You Know I still Love You Baby.
And it will never change.

**I want nobody nobody But You, I want nobody nobody But You
nan dareun sarameun sirheo niga animyeon sirheo
I want nobody nobody nobody nobody
nan sirheunde wae nal mireonaeryeogo hani jakku naemareun deutji anko
wae ireoke dareun namjaege nal bonaeryeo hani eotteoke ireoni

nal wihae geureotan geu mal
neon bujokhadaneun geu mal
ijen geumanhae neon nareul aljanha wae wonhajido annneungeol gangyohae

REPEAT ** 2x

nan joheunde nan haengbokhande neoman isseumyeon dwae deo baralge eomneunde
nugul mannaseo haengbokharan geoya nan neol tteonaseo haengbokhal su eobseo

nal wihae geureotan geu mal
neon bujokhadaneun geu malmari an doeneun
mariran geol wae molla niga eobsi eotteoke haengbokhae

REPEAT ** 2x

I don't want nobody body body.
I don't want nobody body
naneun jeongmal niga animyeon niga animyeon sirtan mallya a~

REPEAT ** 2xRAP)

Back to the days when we were so young and wild and free
modeunge neomuna kkumman gatatdeon geuttaero doragago sipeunde
wae jakku nareul mireonaeryeo hae
Why do you push me away.
I don't want nobody nobody
Nobody nobody but you

Results

2009-07-09T17:45:00.002+08:00

I HAVE NO IDEA WHY MY SCHOOL IS LIKE THIS.

we cannot take back out exam slips after we get the results because its the school's 'policy'.

because seniors will sell the mst papers to juniors. which is like fucking crap cause they are just making up an excuse to be lazy not to reset the papers. can't they set new papers everytime mst comes around ? they are just bloody lazy.

bloody asshole fucking shit crap lah.

how can we learn from the mistakes when they only take one hour to go through the bloody paper and we'll never be able to see it again.

i did bloody shiting bad for the papers:

Analytical and Physical Chemistry 28.5/50

where i have a friend who got full marks. FULL MARKS FOR BLOODY SAKE.

Mathematics A 21.5/50

this i am not upset at all. i hate it always. so what if i fail ? i fucking hate maths.

Anatomy and Physiology 37/50

this is bloody fucking. i wanted to get a 40 something cause i study so freaking hard i studied night and day for two bloody weeks yet i get this bullshit. BULLSHIT.

still no revealed have immunology, biosystems and biomolecules. don't know when they are going to let us know.

SPFU lah.

Apart

2009-07-03T21:59:00.002+08:00

This is a song written by a girl that contacted an incurable disease and during the very last of her journey she wrote this song for her boyfriend. Extremely touching. I think i wanna use this for the choir audition.

最后一次

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

先走了去了好远的地方
不能再陪你看日出

等不到天亮所有回忆抹去

却并不容易生死由天决定不要太伤心

在我最后一次闭上眼睛之前
我想对你说我爱你
在你怀里舍不得放弃
心里有千万语还没说给你听

我使尽全力不想闭上眼睛
这次告别就不能再相遇
不能再陪你但不要忘记
你曾经答应我你会好好活下去

here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_duTfJRp6E

Please go and watch ok ? its super super touching, i cried my eyes out. So, please cherish everyone and everything that you have now. oh i'm crying like shit.

Exhilarating

2009-07-02T17:34:00.002+08:00

Oh i feel so damn good !!!

THE BLOODY EXAMS ARE OVER !!!

even if i do badly, which i think i would, would be ignored. its over, the pain is over. woots.

haven't blogged for the past duno how long cause need to study, everyday sleep at one or two something and wake at six thirty. but those bloody days are over !!!

slacking days are here. studying is a trauma to the brain.

Reap

2009-06-09T13:27:00.007+08:00

Great Singapore Sale is here!!! Okies, bought stuff, omg first time i'm buying cosmetics by myself. Oh that's so noob. ok what ever...

Went Bishan to do the HME, Health Mapping Exercise, and learnt how to measure height, weight and BP, to tackle difficult residents. After that went shopping at Bugis, but before that bought a top at Cotton On, no pic here cause its just a simple and ...just simple long sleeve rounded neck top, so no need to show show.

Ok after that reached Bugis and waited for Onee-chan as she took sometime to come down from Boon Lay. And we went...Bugis, and she bought a bag, a harversack and we went OG to shop for cosmetics that i am desperately in need of. And i bought these:

Foundation from Loreal, two cakes and two sponge and one very pretty box, at $34.90, Onee-chan says its quite a bargain, then so be it then. Look at Mabelline, Revlon, and all the foundation there but there boxes are so plain and ugly and i like this very very much! Thanks Onee-chan !

Opened up, a huge mirror and all the usual stuff but i really like the print on the powder... and am so happy that actually bought a foundation by myself!!! my trip there, with Onee-chan of couse, my own money haha it feels great. Got home immediately chucked the old one out, can you imagine? Using for like, 3 - 5 years already, oh i lost count but its super old and has this smell that i hate :(

Supermicro on the print, sorry ppl, please tilt your head for this one, can't seem to get the right one up there. haha.

Eyeliner, at $17.90, after 20% discount, which i am totally ignorant of until i got the receipt, is $14.30. Liquid one, see Cyn use it like so nice i also want haha.

So its the end but will shop again, i think this time for shoes and clothes already, or maybe facemasks. And thank you onee chan for accompanying me for this trip, or i'll be buying all the wrong stuff !!! love u, kisses. may we shop together again. What about night shopping ?

Vision

2009-06-06T17:08:00.002+08:00

I had a vision the other day while having lunch with Daph and the rest. I was resting my head and sleeping when i saw this picture.

I was in a dark room and there was a entrance, made of bamboo and i can't look through the other side cause it was all too dark. The morning sun hardly poured into the room and i was small, like maybe a little girl then. The setting looked like that kind of place you would see in a chinese ancient drama, all the bamboo furnishings and the blue drapery at the entrance, i remember it was blue fabric with little white flowers. The place was poorly furinished and it seems to me that it smelt like mould (although i didn't smell anything, i mean, i'm at the foodcourt).

And then i felt that someone was holding my hand and she,which i knew instinctively, was my mum. But not this mum, i mean not the mum i am living with now, but another mum. I don't know how to put it but it just feels like a mother but its not my mother which i am presently residing with now in this lifetime.

The atmosphere was very tense and all i could feel is that there is someone over at the other side of the room, through that bamboo entrance looking at me, more of scanning actually. This 'mum' was feeling sad and i had an amazing thought jammed into my mind that i would never ever think about :

I WAS GOING TO BE SOLD AWAY

That 'mum' was trying to sell me away, and i was only a little girl. 'I' was feeling sad too but 'I' know that this is the best for us because its the only way my family could improve their lives. When i woke up i was like 0_0 cause what i felt and smelt and saw was all so real.

So daph thought that that was my previous life. OMG. I was so poor thing, at the most i could only become a maid in someone else's house and remain as that all my life. So, i need the rest of the story. I'm going to think so hard about it tonight and hope it gets into my dreams.

Wrathful

2009-06-06T15:44:00.000+08:00

Projects. I hate projects, group work to be exact. Not all the tedious and excruxiating nights i need to toil but the unfairness. Am I really fated to this ? There is always such unequal distribution of work, and i need to worry about the assignment when the leader don't even care ?

Seriously, i think i can't work with these people that don't give a damn about this kinda thing. You even needed me to ask you where is the missing part of the assignment ? What kind of leader are you ? Need the members to worry about the assembly of the assignment ? All the font size, the wording, heading, underlining, bolding, right oriented or centre piece, you need me to worry about all that when i'm only a member ? You didn't even send me the final piece to let us see the essence of our hard work. All you need to do is just to collect and complie the parts all together, put our names on it and make it look presentable. Somebody allocated the work for you, and all the members are all disciplined enough to finish their work on time.

What do i need you for ? i don't care how much you got for your O levels, how good your grades are, how better they are to mine, but if you can't even finish such a simple thing, you are not fit to be in my group. Don't be a burden. If you don't know, why can't you ask us ? There are so many people there, you could have asked anyone if you are not able to do anything. I went through your work, actually i marked it and i found so many errors. Your vocabulary range is so limited.

I admit i am very demanding in project work, anything kind of work actually as long as i want to do it. To me all these things are very basic, paying attention to details is my focus. All must be perfect. When i do projects i never let my members worry about anything, and i'm not the leader.

Because of this, i end up doing alot, or almost everything which i find the product satisfying. I still put their names up there for God's sake and my friend just said that i should just put my own name on it and that's it. I still put up with it just that i don't work with them anymore cause i think i'll just die just editing their work, eh no, there was no work for me to edit, all are rubbish.

I really wonder how are they going to do projects with other people but as long as its not me then its okay. Bless you all. May you learn and change.

Memoirs

2009-06-06T15:41:00.000+08:00

Dug up a blog post that i had written in Friendster and putting it into facebook. I'm very proud of this post as I don't think i can write this well anymore. Its a really emo post so don't read if you are emo already.

今天在路口遇见你和几个朋友在一起
你没有看见我但你其中一个朋友认出了我
你转头看我的那刹那我低下了头
装作在和朋友们说话
我发现我无法正眼看着你
虽然昨天在礼堂我们双目交接
我们都愣了一下
幸好她不在
我康复了
花了前前后后六个多月
前两个月在哭泣
再两个月来恨你
再一个月又二十九天来铲除我对你所有的爱
最后的今天来思念你
做出最后一次的思念
明天是我的生日
你知道吗
如果你知道的话
你会带着你以往那灿烂的微笑来对我说生日快乐吗
即使你知道的话
拜托你不要那样做
不要你把我刚整理好的情绪弄乱
不要唤起那段甜蜜又心酸的回忆
今天看见你的背影
发现你长高了
肩膀长宽了
想象她躺在你那宽厚的胸膛上那幸福的样子
祝福你们
我现在能做的
只有祝福你们了
今晚的枕头又要湿了

EMO. Get over it.

Requiem

2009-06-02T20:47:00.000+08:00

ok i don't know what the hell that means.

has been such a long time since i have blogged, just look at the date of the last post...

typical day today, went for school at 8, had a new chem teacher that taught quite well actually and learnt that when counting charge, need to include the number in front. then maths excel class that practically taught something that is just so crazy, i mean, they teach us how to make partial fractions but didn't teach us how to solve. and today he spoke as if we knew how to solve trillions of years ago.

then later went to library to do PBL with alot of people and somehow scraped through my part of the problem. later then went to aunt's place to collect my specs. i look horrible in them but at least i can see better with it. took a long time to get home yeah. and on the 187 bus got one guy omg his BO is so severe that i could hardly breathe sitting beside him. and he sniffs like as if he has asthma or something. terrible. terrible odour.

and all the assignments weighing me down, really puts me in a spot.

CHEM REPORT (week 11, KF)
PBL (after week 11, with a whole lot of people)
IMMUNO REPORT (me, cyn, daph, sureh, jo)
IMMUNO ARTICLE ASSIGNMENT (week 11, i think, with duno who)
A & P ASSIGNMENT (this fri, with sher)

and plus all the MST tests...oh bless me. and my back's aching like crazy.

supposed to meet aris tomorrow to teach me partial fractions, hope i could make it. and security talk at 3 something...waste of time.

AND GSS !!! anybody interested to go shop ??? i need someone to shop with me!!! i need ton lot of stuff.

My First Blog

2008-12-04T14:16:00.000+08:00

ok. think its already time i grow up and stop fooling around and get a proper blog.

so decided to make one on this stormy afternoon for the very sake of uploading the bbq photos taken on the 2E6 chalet but hope i'll make the effort to maintain it.

erm...i'm still very noob about all these blog things, and can somebody tell me how to find a nice blogskin? how to put it up blah blah...

argh. think i'll figure out somehow. somehow.